When I Met Sally…

My old friend from undergrad, (lets call her… Mindy) and I started talking more and hanging out. She’s become close again and even said “you’re doing a masters in a year, and thinking about law school or a phd already… I want to be like you and I will never betray you”

And it got me thinking… why do I have a complex with betrayal?

My answer: parents divorce, Ann, Ashley and Sally, and then later on Kate.

So why do things like people growing up and realizing how others haven’t grown with you, the most frustrating hurtful thing in existence of early adulthood? 

When I met Sally, I was Ashley’s friend and confidant. She told me about how awful she was and so that made me not talk to her until our 4th year of friendship. That’s when I got to know her and learned how much I relate to and like about her. 

4 years later, I started watching a show called Feminin / Feminin and one of the characters reminded me of Sally… Now lately I’ve been asking myself 

Do I want to regress back to before I learned about what I see in other and what kind of values I want in friends, or do I want to say fuck it all and just follow this old crush I had on her (now that I’m of age)? 

When “Harry” met Sally

Biphobia: The First Encounter.

It’s been about 9 years since I decided it was time to confront why I felt certain things for girls. 

About 9 years since I asked Ella if we could kiss and see how we felt about it as an experiment one night at a slumber party. 

About 9 years since I realized I like girls, and maybe that would make me weird or if it was a phase that I’d grow out of when I got to college. 

And man… It was a lot for a 14 year old to comprehend at the time while juggling the new responsibilities of being a high schooler, coping with parents divorce, an abuser living at home, and being the stereotypical goth/emo with a hidden switchblade to run across her skin. 

But fast forward 9 years later. 22, basically 23 year old finally encountering biphobia directed at her. In the wonderful world of Tinder (yes- at this point I use it to just make friends because looking for anything else meaningful seems to be impossible on there), I had my first biphobic encounter. Meet Brian, or Mr. Hey.  

This guy’s profile cracked me up, so naturally I swiped right.


Well- he asked me point blank about relationships (before even asking things like ‘what do you do for a living? Are you religious? Do you want to hear from our lord and savior, Chutlu?’)  
And not even 5 minutes after I sent that, it showed that he unmatched me. My reaction at first resembled the “psssh, whatever, he had a fucking weird face to begin with” emoji- 😒. But then I got to thinking: why would someone shut down as soon as someone else says they are part of that horrid group of greedy hedonists called bisexuals? What are they afraid of? That we’ll get bored and go find another person of the same gender to give us the most breathtaking Orgasm using 2 fingers and a tongue instead of some magical penis???
  

 It seems like I’ll never understand biphobia… We are just like everyone else. We have standards, some more morale than others, and capable of doing monogamy. 

So I ask: is that a problem? 

Til It Happens To You

This girl here, is a friend of mine from high school and it amazes me how strong she has become after the ordeal of her ex. Personally, I haven’t been in an abusive relationship and can only sympathize as an outsider so much.

In my family violence class earlier tonight, we actually saw the performance to Lady Gaga’s song and everyone in class visibly got the chills. It’s good to know that in higher Ed, we are sensitive enough to feel this sympathy towards survivors but as a society in whole, we still have A LOT of work to do to educate people on ways to control their anger in more productive ways as opposed to taking it out on family members.

Maybe then, the world would be less violent and a better place for everyone.

Happy Woman’s Day, everyone.

Hear me Roar!

Til It Happens To You – Lady Gaga

I remember when I first heard this song; it broke my heart. As someone who is passionate about equality for women, it made an impact.

I soaked up the words like a sponge. It’s so easy to say things about situations when you never experienced them. I took the pledge at Its On Us and I know that I will never not intervene.

One of my nights out in college, the guy a friend had introduced me to kept pressuring me throughout the night to let him come home with me. After saying no multiple times, when I did say something about leaving, he firmly gripped my arm. I felt fear race through me like lightning and I quickly said how I was finding my friend instead.  I went straight for the door and left. I was lucky enough that he didn’t follow me.

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Brooklyn Sucks

So while at work, I was talking to Brooklyn. I asked her if it was the alcohol talking from last night, and she said no it was just liquid courage. Then she went on and on about not being sure about relationships. I agreed on grounds that as long as the person isn’t clingy as fuck, and is mature to know I’m also a full time student and full time worker and full time caregiver I could try a relationship. The next thing I knew, she sent this!

 

Her last text

I just kind of stood there and was like “umm… Okay then? This sounds like how I was back in high school.”

I’m not a total heartless bitch, I did feel slightly bad about her situation of needing to move out on short notice. But I found it funny that she had to cut things off fast again, so Bucky, and my other friend are making jokes about it- which led to the birth of my last poem.

 

okay for the record, im 22 and technicaly a virgin due to not being penetrated or orally gone down on… so yes clearly im repressing a lot and just want to have sex inside a relationship and not wait for marriage anymore!

 

Ode to the O at 22

Ode to a lonely night

Whacking my clit to porn. 

Hearing Mercedes Carrera moan

While a young girl eats her pussy.

I reach the point of no return

Arching my back 

Higher 

Faster

Ah

OH

GOD 

YESSS 

FUCKING YES! 

At this point, I have climaxed.

My nipples are aching to be sucked on

Minutes go by as I lay there slowly getting

The sensation back in my clit as it becomes

Limp

What?

I thought… 

Since when do clits get hard?

They most certainly do when your 22

Ah yes. 

22

The big double 2

When most are supposedly getting off 

With their Research Methods partners 

Frolicking in a fucking empty classroom. 

No. 

Once you become me,

You’ll see.

Empty nights trying to get off to porn 

Really gets fucking old. 

Older than that crusty cum Kleenex 

Laying in the garbage can next to my bed. 
Round 2: 

It’s Sasha Grey’s moan that makes me hard. 

I close my eyes while rubbing my clit faster

I think of my professor, just stripping

Stripping that sun dress as she moans 

Descartes’ theory of existence 

Oh god, I think 

Therefore I cum

Make me cum so I exist 

Cum to live

Eyes are open, and my hand is wet….
During the day, my mind is filled with hunger

And my stomach is probably filled with gas

Class makes me tired, at least on Mondays 

Budgeting makes me soft

But come Tuesday 

And I am all hot and bothered and longing

Longing to drag that teller in the back room

And shoving her face in my pussy

Longing to meet that tinder date 

And ram his dick so far in my ass

That I throw up cum. 

Longing to go back to my childhood friend

And eating out her sister 

But I’m only 22

Twenty fucking two

And want to be in that pussy

For the next fucking 22 years. 

When in Brooklyn..?

Apart from the agonizing pain of wanting to tear out every strand of hair from my body bc of class and my mom starting dialysis, get get the strangest Facebook message from Brooklyn, aka the girl I started to fall for little by little when I was in law school… So from about 1.5 years ago. She asked me for my number again only to send me this… 

 

Brooklyn’s text

 
So I just sat there. I tried to rememebr the way I felt about her. How it was just so easy to talk to her, and how smart she was and kept thinking about us being a lesbian power couple or like Ellen and Portia. 

Instead, I kept thinking about Bucky. She’s been there for me through everything these past few years. But- it was after Brooklyn that I got the nerves to ask Bucky out. 

I told Brooklyn why not- let’s give it another shot especially now that I’m back in Illinois and so I’m 200 miles away. 

Guess time will tell. It’s just crazy that I stopped looking for anyone, and then this happened.