Normalcy for Cuddling? 

I have a friend… 

Kidding, you all know who it is if you have followed me since last year…

Bucky. 

Bucky is my friend. The friend that rejected me the night of the dance back in November where, I went to in a suit (because it was the first time I felt like breaking gender roles and also revealing my sexuality to my whole law school). It was the night I told her I have fostered a crush from the first moment I saw her, and that I’m finally mustering up the balls to tell her. 

It’s been 9 going on 10 months since I told her about my feelings. Since then, we’ve gone out as friends, had deep conversations about life, been there for each other and cuddled a few times… 

Tuesday: I cleaned and then Bucky came over to watch a move but we ended up playing video games instead. At first we sat on opposite ends of the couch but when she busted out the vape, she blew the smoke into my mouth while being inches from my open lips and I delivered it back via my nose nostrils… Which sounds kind of erotic now that I’m reading as I am typing it…

Wednesday: I went to the gym on Wednesday night with Kate. But before that, I cleaned then went to Starbucks to meet Bucky. We were having a great time hanging out until her work called and said they are missing money from her till. I have never seen Bucky so… In shock. We took separate cars to her work because she needed to get there asap and I had to run my errand fast to meet her. We pulled in,  and just as she got out of the car she began to fall and I caught her. I held her tightly in my arms just saying that they have a mistake and it’s going to be okay. I waited outside in my car with the windows open and then she came out and before I could say anything she leaned in and wrapped her arms around me and said “everything is okay. I’m just really glad you’re here with me right now. I wouldn’t have even been able to go in if it wasn’t for you” 

I just sat there dumbfounded while holding her and rubbing her back. Of course she would have had to go in, it’s a duty. Feeling her hug me and telling me how scared she was almost for a split second made old feelings rise up again. I don’t want our friendship hurt again, so I suggested we go for ice cream to stop hugging but that I would drive because she’s in no condition to drive… 

We get to Oberwies, and I teach her how to play chess before getting her brother food and went to get her car. After that I picked up Kate to go to the gym and told her about the day… 

Kate: dude… I see where this is going… I don’t like it. 

Me: what do you mean…? The cuddling and the hugs? It shows we have a strong bond…?

Kate: no, that’s not normal. Look at us. We have known each other for 9 years- but we don’t cuddle and we have regular hugs. That’s the fine line you guys crossed. 

Me: Sooo…. What does that mean? 

Kate: it means that you’re falling for her again, and she’s going to push you away again and you’re gonna be hurt again… 

Thursday: i took my mom to the hospital for the final testing of her being a good canidate for a double transplant… Then I came home and went to the gym on my own. Turns out Ella (the crazy ex that’s a model) was there and I freaked out instantly, I texted Bucky to pretend to be my gf and text me. The result…? This:  

    
  

Yet I’m still wondering about what Kate said about there being a line that we crossed with cuddling with our legs intertwined and the hugs outside of her work… Maybe I’m slowly falling again but just don’t want to admit it? 

 

Master’s Update…

I was soooo wrong about people being my age in class. I spent all summer in class with people 20+ years older than me. 

What’s the meaning of this shit??? 

my dog best describing my reaction to still being the youngest


So far I have honors all over and now starting on my fall semester… How will I manage 4 classes, 2 jobs, and taking care of my mom? 

 

I Want to be a Pokémon Master… Kidding.

I had to make a creative title. Master. So many things can come to mind with the word.

Master in a skill.
Master……urbating.
Master’s degree.

Despite being down for the longest time about not being in law school (which I guess is a blessing considering that I don’t have to spend a shit ton of money on that degree for now), I’m now doing a masters in criminal social justice.

Because law shaped me already, so I can’t give this up. But the best part: I’m finally 22, so that’s the usual age that people graduate undergrad and go do a masters, so I’m finally going to be in class with people my own age!

I thought that back in April… yeah, I’m already on my second class and no one is close to my age at all! Infact, they are older and have job experience!!! At a disadvantage yet again…

Oh well, I’ll be like I used to be and just work hard and prove them all wrong.

Back Once Again…

Where has the time flown? I remember like it was yesterday that I was just writing how excited I was to be turning 21 on here! So much has happened in the past year. I was in law school then my mom fell ill, my dog passed away, and I came back and gave up law school to get a retail job despite having a bachelors degree in sitting on my ass and drinking wine (aka philosophy… of law so that means, arguing is acceptable)… But here I am, trying to get out of the depressive state of throwing law school away with so many preoccupations with everyone back home, to come back.

But it’s for a good reason, right?

AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION MAKES IT OFFICIAL: ‘SELFIE’ A MENTAL DISORDER

Originally posted on :

Photo credit: AP Photo credit: AP

Chicago, Illinois – The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has officially confirmed what many people thought all along: taking ‘selfies’ is a mental disorder.

The APA made this classification during its annual board of directors meeting in Chicago. The disorder is called selfitis, and is defined as the obsessive compulsive desire to take photos of one’s self  and post them on social media as a way to make up for the lack of self-esteem and to fill a gap in intimacy.

APA said there are three levels of the disorder:

  • Borderline selfitis : taking photos of one’s self at least three times a day but not posting them on social media
  • Acute selfitis: taking photos of one’s self at least three times a day and posting each of the photos on social media
  • Chronic selfitis: Uncontrollable urge to take photos of one’s self  round the clock and posting…

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Rock bottom

I didn’t do well in law school.

And I moved back home.

My mom needs dialysis soon…

And later today, I may possibly have to put my best friend of 14 years down… My little chihuahua.

While trying to be strong for her on our way to the vet and all of today.

Not only that but I can’t find a job, and school isn’t starting soon.

I feel at such a low point with all of this, plus trying to be strong with my own health declining.

I just want things to freeze in time. Or that I wake up from this nightmare of not doing well or that my mom isn’t dieing and that my dog is really healthy and that my organs are perfectly fine.

But this is life, isn’t it?