Mom: You shouldn’t burn your bridges down.
Me: I don’t burn them, I completely destroy them by blowing them up.
Last night I told Bucky and Erin how I feel bothered by things lately. Results? Bucky and I are not speaking for a full month and Kate… Well I just need space but she doesn’t want to stop taking for a month.
So this is what I’m going to refrain from doing…
Today I had a meeting with the class coordinator at school with my friend in this Master’s program, Mono. We got all the classes done and then we chatted and me taking the LSAT in 2013 came up and so did the issue with Dr. Rabbit.
And I broke down crying. In the middle of the fucking meeting.
Reliving the moment Dr. Rabbit said what do people think, that she would come and shoot up the place with a shotgun made my nerves (along with hormones from my period) get the better of me and made me cry.
It was fucking embarrassing. :/ I really do need to talk to someone professional about this… It’s been 2 years now.
My last update on dating: clearly I’ve been what some people in society would call a hoe by dating Ann, Dick, Mel (for one date before she decided to get back together with her ex), the older woman from work (which that was probably a huge mistake), but I was also getting ready for a first date with a girl named Pagina (not her real name but you get the idea.)
It actually went pretty cool. We went to this tapas bar for the first date, then walked downtown Naperville before shopping and saying goodbye because I had to go to class. Then we saw a movie the second date and by the third date, we went to Dave and busters and dressed up since it was Halloween.
Only downside is- we don’t talk so much. It’s weird. But it’s also relieving. I feel free and not tied down. But I kind of want to be tied down (that could be taken either way…) to her.
3 blog posts in the past 48 hours?!
The world is coming to an end (if not for me writing, then surely for the loss of over 115k people yesterday/today from all the events happened).
Maybe the reason why I write around this time of the year every year since I stopped posting daily, is because of seasonal depression. And the way to release it is by cathartic writing.
It all finally makes sense. Cathartic writing link
Kate texted me randomly out of the blue asking what are my plans tonight. I still feel a sting when she asks me things last minute/ day of when she wants to do something. Thursday we were supposed to go to starved rock. I was actually looking forward to that. The night before she said work called and she won’t make it- despite telling me to take days off at my jobs and freeze my life for her.
And then I realized. She was acting just like Ash. (Woah. I haven’t thought about Ash in forever.) I used to always put everything I wanted to do on hold for her or when she wanted to hang out.
I truly felt disgusted that I’m seeing that pattern in Kate, and a little bit of Bucky. These people what were supposedly my best friends since Ash make me sick sometimes… Even to the point of feeling like my responses to them are laced venom…
I just need to breathe and find liberation.
Adulthood. The time in life where your parents didn’t prepare you for other than make sure you have some money on hand and feed people when they come over.
They never taught me that loneliness is a huge factor. They never taught me that you’re going to hate people so much at work that sometimes you just want to cry. They never taught me that you need to let go of people who keep letting you down for the sake of your own mental health.
I learned that last one today. Bucky was out of town for a family thing, and when I went to the bank I normally go to (where she works since that’s where we met) and I saw her car there. I thought she was still out of town because I haven’t heard from her in weeks asking to lemme know when she wants to hang out. Nothing.
So I’ve decided say fuck it! I honestly don’t need the extra heartache having to wonder if she thinks I’m a friend or not. Which is funny… This time last year I was head over heels for her. Now? I honestly sometimes wish I didn’t ask her for her number last last summer.
I’ve had a number of escapades this past 2015. There was Ann, Dick, Mel for one date before she decided to get back together with her ex, the older woman from work, and tomorrow will be my first date with Pagina.
We met on tinder. And since then, we’ve been gaming and talking almost every day.
And she’s adorable and likes anime and gets me (or at least tries to).
It’s been a while since I’ve had butterflies and I’m beginning to feel them swell.